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I believe that The Da Vinci Code movie should be banned. Not because I agree with the Catholic church, who says that the movie is heresy and a threat to the Catholic faith. Personally, I think 99% of all Catholics are a cowardly, lying bunch of hypocrites to begin with and I’m hardly inclined to agree with anything they say. Besides, The Da Vinci Code is fiction for crying out loud. I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. It’s fiction. It’s not for real. Get over it.

The Da Vinci Code movie must be banned because it SUCKED–as a story and a movie.

Oh, where to begin this rant…

Let’s start with the plot itself. I have no problems with the religious ideas that this book/movie has. I like that the story introduced the possibility that Mary Magdalene might be the wife of Jesus Christ. It’s brilliant. It’s something new, it’s something worth doing further research on, and it’s something that makes you think. Sadly, Dan Brown ruined this concept by putting it smack in the middle of a piece of shit story, populated by piece of shit characters who do nothing but run around like headless chickens and who occassionally spew obscure information so that the reader can think that Dan Brown is the next fucking Einstein.

The first half of the movie is supposed to be thrilling. The curator of the Louvre is found dead with a weird symbol on his chest. Suddenly, the whole police force of France is convinced that the hero is the curator’s murderer. In a good movie, you would be gnawing your fingernails and practically dying from suspense as the hero and the hot chick try to escape the long arm of the law.

But not in the Da Vinci Code. Not only did I feel no tension during this part of the movie; I was bored to tears. Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu moved from place to place as if they knew exactly what they should do next. Never mind that any normal person in that situation would be too panicky to do anything but scream, “What the fuck is going on?! What the fuck do you all want with me?” The two managed to escape from dead end to dead end while recounting childhood memories and giving lectures on obscure topics in between.

Since the next half of the movie failed to redeem itself, I’m going to spoil the rest of the movie for all of you so that you don’t get bothered to pay a hundred or so pesos to see it on the big screen. (Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. You won’t miss much.)

Sir Leigh Teabing
Blahblahblahblah I’m the bad guy.

Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu
NOOOO!

*Robert Langdon roundhouse-kicks Sir Leigh Teabing and the cops arrest the latter*

*Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu end up in some church*

Robert Langdon
*looking through files* This was where Mary Magdalene was buried. Too bad they moved her somewhere else. So Sophie, why are you pissed at your grandfather again?

Sophie Neveu
Oh, I walked in on him while he was having sex with some woman during this weird cult ritual thing.

Robert Langdon
ZOMG SOPHIE YOU’RE THE DESCENDANT OF JESUS CHRIST!!~

*movie should have ended here*

Sophie Neveu
No way, dude! *tries to walk on water and fails* I can’t prove this empirically!

Robert Langdon
That’s okay. All that matters is you believe.

What’s particularly depressing about The Da Vinci Code is all the people who watched this movie and walked out of the theater with this really smug look on their faces. It’s a sad day when people think they’re a lot smarter after going through such a mediocre movie/piece of fiction. I think for once, the Catholic Church is doing a huge favor to all Filipinos by having this movie banned. You’ve worked too hard for your hundred pesos to waste it on The Da Vinci Code.

Related links:
Smartania’s review of The Da Vinci Code
Wikipedia, Criticisms of The Da Vinci Code

After a week of being fed false information that Silent Hill would be showing tomorow, it finally hit Philippine theaters today. I was willing to splurge and watch the movie at the more expensive Greenbelt 3 cinemas - the Silent Hill series is one of my favorites and the trailers looked very promising. Unfortunately, the cretins seemed to think Silent Hill unfit for Greenbelt 3. Pat and I had to settle for the more plebian Glorietta 4 theaters.

If the Silent Hill game frightened me so much that I couldn’t play it at night, the movie version requires you to sit next to a loved one so that you might have someone to cling to in moments of terror. It’s the kind of film that might look like just another horror movie for one who has never even heard of the game. As a fan of the series, I had a great time watching Silent Hill on the big screen. It wasn’t just that the monsters were terrifying, the overall visuals made me shiver, and the tense atmosphere kept my heart pounding for two hours. The fact that there were (convincing) flesh-and-blood actors instead of CG characters made me experience the sheer what-the-fuckness of the situation they were in - something that the game has never really given me.

Silent Hill gave me more than just my money’s worth and a wonderful time. I even picked up a couple of life lessons from the movie:

[1] Never adopt a kid, unless you know every single detail about his/her family origins. For all you know, your adopted child might be more demonic than the average kid in more ways than one.

[2] If you insisted on adopting a kid anyway, and you find that your kid sleepwalks and has dreams about a haunted place, do not take your child to the said place. Put him/her in a hospital instead. Or tie him/her to the bed at night. Or something.

[3] Always carry a weapon of sorts with you, be it a rock or a lead pipe. You never know when you’ll stumble upon a nightmare of a town crawling with monsters.

[4] When dealing with religious fanatics, keep in mind that you’ll always lose because you can’t reason with the stupid.

[5] After going through such an earth-shattering adventure, life will never be the same. No matter how much you try, things won’t go back to normal.

I suppose I’m what some people would call a “fake” fan. Every now and then I get obsessed over a certain band or music artist;I listen to nothing but their songs for weeks at a time. But even at the height of my fandom, I find myself too cheap to shell out 450 pesos (approx. $10) for an original CD. Why pay so much when I can just download their songs over the Internet?

With Belle and Sebastian, an indie Scotish rock group, it’s different. Their music calms and comforts me like an invisible best friend and leaves me feeling warm, happy, and strangely content. I love what their songs have done for me, which is why I didn’t flinch when I paid a thousand pesos ($20) today to buy Put The Book Back On The Shelf: A Belle And Sebastian Anthology (published by Image Comics). This graphic novel is an anthology of stories inspired by or interpretations of various Belle and Sebastian songs. I knew that I had to get a copy of this book no matter what. And I was in luck; the last copy was on the shelf and I had just enough money in the bank to buy it.

Reading this graphic novel is a uniquely trippy experience. As I read each story, I played the song that inspired the writer or the artist - and I couldn’t tell if it was the music that made the story more vivid, or the story that made the music more real. It took me over two hours to finish reading the whole thing and if the songs alone could relax me and leave me in a good mood, playing them along with the stories was just heaven. It felt just like a good night’s sleep after a long, exhausting day.

I can see why Put the Book Back on the Shelf might not be for all fans because some writers made quite a lot of unexpected interpretations. For instance, the strip for the song If She Wants Me has a really sad story, but I imagined the song to have something more to do with two young friends playing in a grassy field. Another one of my favorite strips, We Rule the School, is about a kid who finds a ninja in his backpack. The song didn’t fit the story too well but never mind - it was still cute and a lot of fun to read.

In spite of whatever clashing interpretations there might be, Put the Book Back on the Shelf is a must for any Belle and Sebastian fan. Reading the anthology heightened my appreciation of their music, and made me fall in love with the songs I haven’t listened to till tonight. I wouldn’t recommend this book to those who are merely curious about the band, though. If a taste of their music is what you’re looking for, I suggest you listen to these songs instead:

Waiting for the Moon to Rise
My Wandering Days Are Over
Funny Little Frog
Get Me Away From Here, I’m Dying
If She Wants Me
The Blues are Still Blue