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Ever since graduation day, the only TV shows and movies that keep me riveted to my seat belong to the horror genre. I’ve been spending the past couple of weeks downloading and renting out my favorite horror flicks from childhood (Stephen King’s It), re-watching old favorites (Silent Hill, A Tale of Two Sisters), as well as checking out horror films recommended by hoity-toity film critics (The Innocents, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Repulsion). Those that fell under the latter simply bored me to death–too slow paced, not enough blood. Proof, perhaps, that my taste in films is horribly unsophisticated and that I clearly don’t have what it takes to be a hoity-toity critic. Let’s strike that career option off the list.

Supernatural horror films–the ones that involve Japanese women crawling out of the TV or peering at you from under the covers–scare me the most, because my imagination is horribly vivid and I can actually see those ghostly figures in my bedroom, in the dark. I usually avoid ghost movies unless I’m feeling unusually masochistic, or am in the mood to make my fellow moviegoers go deaf. I’ve been told that my operatic shrieks of terror has the potential to break ear-drums.

My favorite sub-category of horror is something I like to refer to as gore-ror (I’m not clever enough to have coined the term; I believe I picked it up from someone). They’re usually psychological horror films or films with minor supernatural elements that are characterized by extreme violence. I’m talking about skulls being crushed open, people being skinned alive, zombies being torn to shreds, humans being devoured by the undead. Nothing makes me jump up and down in my seat like an overactive five-year old than watching someone’s guts spilling on the floor. The more violent the movie is, the happier I am.

One of my favorite gore-ror movies is a little-known film called May. It’s about this girl who couldn’t make friends as a child because of a facial deformity. As an adult, she tries desperately to form friendships and relationships but fails at this due to her lack of social experience. What I love about this movie (spoiler alert: you might want to scroll down to the YouTube video below) is how she kills off all her friends and her ex-boyfriend, chops off their limbs, and sews them up into one big doll. “If you can’t find a friend, make one,” was her mother’s advice as a child. I found that whole mass murder scene very, very satisfying. Like May, I too chop off parts of people that I find beautiful and sew them up to create my ideal person. Unlike May, however, I only do this figuratively. :P My ideal person (or ideal guy, if you will) is an intricate combination of so many parts from so many people that my biggest fear that he only exists in my head. But I’m young and I’ve only been single for a few months–I’m in no real hurry to make my creation come to life.

Another reason why I love May is because my future husband Jeremy Sisto (Billy from Six Feet Under) is in it, oozing with more sex and manliness than usual. Those broad shoulders! His large, gorgeous, hands! Those shapely lips! His fuck-me curly hair! Jeremy Sisto could use my face to shine his shoes and I’d walk away feeling like a million dollars.

Upon deeper reflection, I think my recent fascination for gore-ror flicks is a result of my quarter-life crisis. Whenever I watch arteries spraying blood and intestines hanging out of people’s stomachs, I can feel every little insecurity I have about myself leave my body and join the blood on the walls. The sight of blood in real life makes me want to vomit, but gore-ror films never make me sick to my stomach. They allow me to live out my deviant thoughts in a more socially-accepted manner. When the credits roll, I feel as clean and pure as a newborn baby, ready to grab the world by the balls (and stuff them down its throat).

I believe that The Da Vinci Code movie should be banned. Not because I agree with the Catholic church, who says that the movie is heresy and a threat to the Catholic faith. Personally, I think 99% of all Catholics are a cowardly, lying bunch of hypocrites to begin with and I’m hardly inclined to agree with anything they say. Besides, The Da Vinci Code is fiction for crying out loud. I don’t see what the big fuss is all about. It’s fiction. It’s not for real. Get over it.

The Da Vinci Code movie must be banned because it SUCKED–as a story and a movie.

Oh, where to begin this rant…

Let’s start with the plot itself. I have no problems with the religious ideas that this book/movie has. I like that the story introduced the possibility that Mary Magdalene might be the wife of Jesus Christ. It’s brilliant. It’s something new, it’s something worth doing further research on, and it’s something that makes you think. Sadly, Dan Brown ruined this concept by putting it smack in the middle of a piece of shit story, populated by piece of shit characters who do nothing but run around like headless chickens and who occassionally spew obscure information so that the reader can think that Dan Brown is the next fucking Einstein.

The first half of the movie is supposed to be thrilling. The curator of the Louvre is found dead with a weird symbol on his chest. Suddenly, the whole police force of France is convinced that the hero is the curator’s murderer. In a good movie, you would be gnawing your fingernails and practically dying from suspense as the hero and the hot chick try to escape the long arm of the law.

But not in the Da Vinci Code. Not only did I feel no tension during this part of the movie; I was bored to tears. Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu moved from place to place as if they knew exactly what they should do next. Never mind that any normal person in that situation would be too panicky to do anything but scream, “What the fuck is going on?! What the fuck do you all want with me?” The two managed to escape from dead end to dead end while recounting childhood memories and giving lectures on obscure topics in between.

Since the next half of the movie failed to redeem itself, I’m going to spoil the rest of the movie for all of you so that you don’t get bothered to pay a hundred or so pesos to see it on the big screen. (Trust me, I’m doing you a favor. You won’t miss much.)

Sir Leigh Teabing
Blahblahblahblah I’m the bad guy.

Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu
NOOOO!

*Robert Langdon roundhouse-kicks Sir Leigh Teabing and the cops arrest the latter*

*Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu end up in some church*

Robert Langdon
*looking through files* This was where Mary Magdalene was buried. Too bad they moved her somewhere else. So Sophie, why are you pissed at your grandfather again?

Sophie Neveu
Oh, I walked in on him while he was having sex with some woman during this weird cult ritual thing.

Robert Langdon
ZOMG SOPHIE YOU’RE THE DESCENDANT OF JESUS CHRIST!!~

*movie should have ended here*

Sophie Neveu
No way, dude! *tries to walk on water and fails* I can’t prove this empirically!

Robert Langdon
That’s okay. All that matters is you believe.

What’s particularly depressing about The Da Vinci Code is all the people who watched this movie and walked out of the theater with this really smug look on their faces. It’s a sad day when people think they’re a lot smarter after going through such a mediocre movie/piece of fiction. I think for once, the Catholic Church is doing a huge favor to all Filipinos by having this movie banned. You’ve worked too hard for your hundred pesos to waste it on The Da Vinci Code.

Related links:
Smartania’s review of The Da Vinci Code
Wikipedia, Criticisms of The Da Vinci Code

After a week of being fed false information that Silent Hill would be showing tomorow, it finally hit Philippine theaters today. I was willing to splurge and watch the movie at the more expensive Greenbelt 3 cinemas – the Silent Hill series is one of my favorites and the trailers looked very promising. Unfortunately, the cretins seemed to think Silent Hill unfit for Greenbelt 3. Pat and I had to settle for the more plebian Glorietta 4 theaters.

If the Silent Hill game frightened me so much that I couldn’t play it at night, the movie version requires you to sit next to a loved one so that you might have someone to cling to in moments of terror. It’s the kind of film that might look like just another horror movie for one who has never even heard of the game. As a fan of the series, I had a great time watching Silent Hill on the big screen. It wasn’t just that the monsters were terrifying, the overall visuals made me shiver, and the tense atmosphere kept my heart pounding for two hours. The fact that there were (convincing) flesh-and-blood actors instead of CG characters made me experience the sheer what-the-fuckness of the situation they were in – something that the game has never really given me.

Silent Hill gave me more than just my money’s worth and a wonderful time. I even picked up a couple of life lessons from the movie:

[1] Never adopt a kid, unless you know every single detail about his/her family origins. For all you know, your adopted child might be more demonic than the average kid in more ways than one.

[2] If you insisted on adopting a kid anyway, and you find that your kid sleepwalks and has dreams about a haunted place, do not take your child to the said place. Put him/her in a hospital instead. Or tie him/her to the bed at night. Or something.

[3] Always carry a weapon of sorts with you, be it a rock or a lead pipe. You never know when you’ll stumble upon a nightmare of a town crawling with monsters.

[4] When dealing with religious fanatics, keep in mind that you’ll always lose because you can’t reason with the stupid.

[5] After going through such an earth-shattering adventure, life will never be the same. No matter how much you try, things won’t go back to normal.