I’m really not sure what compelled me to walk up to my ex when I spotted him at the area where I usually wait for my next class. Maybe it’s because I knew that a confrontation was inevitable (we go to the same school). Maybe it’s because my ex angst is getting old and I’m tired of being angry at him. Maybe it’s because it’s almost Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth.
Whatever my reasons were, I tapped on his shoulder and asked for a light. He looked startled to see me standing there, using his lighter while making small talk as though he were an old college classmate instead of the person I loved for two and a half years and an asswipe I loathed for a year up until today.
Of course, my hands were shaking the entire time.
I always imagined that our first conversation after our falling out wouldn’t be so much a conversation as me ripping his throat open with my trimmed fingernails. I had a little speech written in my head that I would rehearse when I had nothing better to occupy my mind with. I imagined that he would walk away before I could even utter a word, or that I’d burst into tears in the middle of talking and I wouldn’t be able to stop because I’d be too overwhelmed with anger, or sadness, or both. But life never works out the way you imagine it would.
The whole conversation went amazingly well. No dramatic scenes, no angry outbursts, nothing of the sort. My anger disappeared like curlicues of cigarette smoke in the wind. As we discussed what we’ve been up to and what went wrong in our relationship, it occurred to me that none of this felt particularly strange. True, making peace with my ex wasn’t exactly at the top of today’s To-Do List (and I must admit I’m still slightly in shock because I always thought I’d hate him forever). But once the moment was there, it was all routine and old habits. Switching into my old speech patterns was almost automatic, and talking to him was a very comfortable feeling that I’ve missed. He is one of those few people who can make every conversation sound like something out of a blockbuster epic trilogy.
Me: I thought you hated me.
Him: How could I hate you for being human?
Me: We lived like demi-gods back then.
Him: I still think I’m a demi-god.
Me: I’ve long accepted the fact that I’m human. And I’m perfectly fine with it.
And before I left for class:
Him: You have one up on me.
Me: Really? What’s that?
Him: You have an unending capacity to feel.
I realized something else too. In life, you will encounter many people. Some are only around for a fun interlude; you’ll barely notice when they come and go. Some of them are worth fighting tooth and nail to keep. Some of them do an unforgivable thing, or a series of unforgivable things, that may or may not scar you for the rest of your life. Most of those people are not worth talking to ever again, but there are some who deserve a second chance. Thou shalt not forget the people who helped shape who you are.
Time can only tell if we’ll be real friends or if we’ll only acknowledge the other’s existence with a wave or a nod. Whatever happens from this point onwards doesn’t really matter much. The important thing is that I can finally put the last three years of my life back in its rightful resting place, without having to worry about revenants when the karmic cycle of life makes random things random happenly.
I’m no stranger to strange coincidences but I got curveballed by one of the strangest coincidences early this week. While I was on my way out the office for a cigarette break Monday morning, Kristel ran into me with arms wide flailing.
“Lauren! Your Asshole Ex’s current girlfriend is right outside the office!”
I was still reeling from the what-the-fuckness of her statement when I found myself getting ushered out the door to greet the Current Girlfriend. Since I didn’t have enough time to prepare myself, I think I walked out with a smile that was a lot wider than I’d like. Somehow, we (the Current Girlfriend, the Ex-Girlfriend, and Kristel, who technically is also the Current Girlfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend - but that’s a twisted story for another time) ended up having a cigarette break together. In a tone that I hope didn’t sound like I was in any way threatened, ruffled, or shocked that she of all people was waiting outside the office door, I asked the Current Girlfriend what she was doing here. The Current Girlfriend then told me that she a) graduated this month, b) needs a job ASAP, c) is applying for a writing position at our company.
Gee, what are the chances of that?
A few hours later, my Project Manager walked into my cubicle and asked me to give a character reference for the Current Girlfriend, seeing as we graduated from the same university. “You can’t be serious!” I sputtered. Unfortunately, he was. See, his asking me to give a character reference for an applicant means that the applicant is a candidate for our team. In the cubicle to my right, I heard Kristel laughing hysterically.
Now, any other Ex-Girlfriend who were in my position would have automatically slandered the Current Girlfriend’s character. But me, I’m nice and I’m fair. So I give her a glowing, non-bullshit recommendation because her horrible taste in men doesn’t change the fact that she’s still a good writer and a friend.
The next day, my Project Manager informed me that the Current Girlfriend is to be our new teammate.
The average Ex-Girlfriend would have defenestrated herself from the fifth floor upon finding out that she’ll be working in the same team with the current girl of a former love. I’m no average Ex-Girlfriend though. I really am cool with the Current Girlfriend and I have absolutely no issues with her. I just want to kill her boyfriend, that’s all.
(Well okay, that and I find it kind of creepy that she has now acquired his mannerisms and speech patterns. It’s like watching a female version of the ex, minus the condescension and the arrogance. Funny how the dead come back to life in perverse reincarnations.)
The thing is, my break-up with the Asshole Ex was quite amicable. We managed to stay really good friends for several weeks and I do feel a bit sorry that our friendship has been replaced by this unsnuffable hatred I have for him. You see, he was ten times nicer to me when we were friends than he ever was while he was my boyfriend. Unfortunately, assholes will always be assholes, and he did a very asshole thing that made me realize two things:
a) my ex is full of shit
b) up until the moment I broke up with him, I spent the last two and a half years of my life allowing him to manipulate me and take over my life
Believe it or not, I’m a very forgiving person. I’m told that I can be frightening when I’m angry, but it doesn’t take me long to get over my anger and forgive the bastard who pissed me off. Some people, unfortunately, do things that I simply can’t forgive. These people are usually sent off to what I call the Realm of Indifference, a place in my selective memory where they’re never given a second thought, except for when I tell stories about the WTF things they did to me. The Asshole Ex, however, is an entirely different case. It’s been a year since I dumped everything he ever gave me in front of his house (with his posse watching the drama unfold because I interrupted their group jerk-off session when I called him to say that I was coming over NOW and you better come out and get your fucking stuff). Until today, the mere mention of his name is enough to make my blood boil.
I hate that I care enough about him to hate him this much.
What’s going to make this whole work situation very awkward for me is this. Assuming that my ex is still the same person, it’s likely that he will stay within the area to wait for the Current Girlfriend to get out from work. I haven’t seen nor spoken to him since the drama outside his house, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I run into him unexpectedly. So far, my options are to:
a) get creative with my shoelaces
b) hurl a torrent of verbal abuse at him
c) punch him with my killer deadly girly punch
d) push him into the swimming pool and watch him flail because he can’t swim
I have a feeling that the only way my ex can move on to the Realm of Indifference is if I ever tell him to his face that I hate his fucking guts and that while I don’t regret our relationship, I do regret not breaking up with him sooner. Unfortunately, my ex is an asshole and I bet if I tried to sit him down and talk to him about this, he’d probably walk away mid-sentence. Or raise an eyebrow in the middle of my speech and ask me if I’m done yet. If he even chooses to see me. My ex is big on cutting ties with his past and pretending that his previous girlfriends never existed. Too bad for him that this particular ex-girlfriend is making noise on the intarwebz and will be working with his girlfriend soon.
Chances are, if I do ever get around to talking to him, I’ll just freeze up the way I always do in confrontations and never get to say a fucking word. Then he’ll walk away laughing and tell his friends that his ex-girlfriend is a total psycho. Not that they don’t already think that.
My life sucks.
I have this semi-bad habit of saying yes to every social invitation thrown my way. How’d you like to host an inuman this Friday for people you haven’t seen nor spoken to in five years, some of which made fun of the way you spoke to them in English? Sure! A weekend in Baguio with two couples, leaving you with nothing to do but write, smoke, and listen to melancholy music all by yourself when they go off and have sexy time, which will probably make you even more depressed than you would have been if you stayed in town? Yeah, why not? How about an inauguration for an organization whose name you didn’t really catch, but Loren Legarda will be present so it must be important? Okies, I’ll be there!
That last invitation came from Mike, and I said yes even though I only knew three things about the said event: it shall be held in the Manila Peninsula Hotel, Senator Loren Legarda will be there, and the attire is “smart casual”. Whatever the hell “smart casual” is supposed to be.
It turns out that the event was this year’s first meeting of the Philippine Internet Commerce Society (PICS07), and Mike was to be inducted into the Board of Directors as the Vice President (Online). It was also, I realized, the first real businesslike social event I’ve ever attended and I thanked whatever god is out there for a) putting me in a nice, sociable mood this evening, b) giving me enough energy to dress up well for the event, c) making me smart enough to bring calling cards in my wallet. I met a lot of important people tonight: Franklin Naval, software QA engineer for Google; Hans of Syndeo Media, who owes me money; and this other guy whose name I don’t remember because he didn’t have his card on him, but I pimped my writing services to him so I hope he gives me a call. I need monies.
Senator Loren Legarda giving her speech
The most Important person that I met tonight, however, was Senator Loren Legarda herself. She was the evening’s guest speaker and she gave a rather engaging talk about the growing importance of e-commerce in the modern world, with emphasis on the need to make online business opportunities more available to Filipinos all over the country. I was rather content to just sit there and listen, and then kind of watch as the Senator left the room with her aides in tow. But nooo. Mike had to drag me outside and introduce me to her the First Filipino Blogger. A “title” which I find rather awkward because I don’t think it’s that much of a big deal. Being the first blogger has little or nothing to do with skill or talent; it’s entirely a matter of luck. I was just lucky that I had access to the Internet at home in 1996. I was just lucky that I came up with the brilliant idea to make Dear Diary something public. I didn’t even start the whole blogging movement in the Philippines, nor did I even try to bring bloggers together like Abe does. I was just…the first.
Loren meets Lauren in all her bloated period glory
Those were the thoughts that were racing through my mind as I stood trembling in the presence of Loren Legarda. Hence, the WTF-am-I-doing-here expression on my face. I hate that I act like a bumbling teenager around VIPs like senators and parents! All my youthful bravado and sass just vanishes into thin air when I’m being introduced to people I need to impress. I fail at being a Grown-Up.
I became a member of PICS shortly after because there’s a wealth of opportunities for money-making online and it’s a shame that the people who really need the extra income aren’t even aware of these opportunities. I’ve never joined any “socially-oriented” organizations because I hate the idea of working my ass off so other people can get free stuff. Sorry, but your gratitude isn’t going to buy me the shoes I really want. Anyway, I think being a part of PICS is the closest thing I’ll ever get to giving something back to society while serving my interests at the same time. I mean, it’s not just other people who will benefit from the development of e-commerce in the Philippines. I’ll be profiting from it too. Everybody wins!
Let it never be said that Romance is dead
The best part of the evening? Getting roses from the Invisible Boyfriend. There were flowers, flowers everywhere! As impermanent and fleeting as our superficial Internet love. Okay, I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore. I sleep now.
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