Five years ago, I was 21 and single, and one of my best friends had recently gotten into a relationship. While catching up over coffee the other night, she reminded me about a blog post I wrote in an attempt to dissect my feelings about the whole situation – me, Forever Alone, and her, newly girlfriended. I was surprised that I actually wrote about it, because my Older And Wiser Present-Day Self would never be this honest about something so personal. In a blog, no less! But there is some merit to wearing your heart on your sleeve. Posting this here to remind myself that it’s okay to be candid about what I feel for my friends (and the people I love, in general):

So now my best friend recently got boyfriended and I have conflicting emotions about it. Don’t get me wrong – I’m extremely happy for her. My fingers have been crossed ever since she told me that she was really into this guy because fuck, Cupid owes her big-time. And since I seem to be The Girl Who Can Help Resolve Romantic Dilemmas Of All Sorts (Except Her Own), I spent quite a while giving her advice and relationship pep talks like:

“You’ll never know if it will work out unless you give it a shot. Sure, there’s always the possibility that you might not be as compatible as you thought you’d be and I know you’ll be completely crushed if that happens. In which case I shall be here with a pack of tissues and my guitar. But in the instance that it does work out – it will be one of the most intense, beautiful, and enriching things you’ll ever experience in your life. The risk of heartbreak will be worth it.”

“Stop assuming things! Just because he said this and this doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you.”

“Whatever you do, do not make the same mistakes I did in my last relationship. Speak up if he does something that you don’t like. Make compromises. Don’t let him take over your life. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to break up with him if you really have to.”

On the other hand – and I’m not particularly proud to admit this – the more insensitive part of me is flailing about like a colic baby and screaming monologues. “NOOO! Why did you leave meee? We were supposed to spend our twenties being single and bitter together, then move to New York and waitress during the day and play in smoky bars at night! Who’s going to have bitter conversations with me about how men are nothing but giant assholes? Who’s going give happy couples the evil eye with me? Who’s going to be the drive-by shooter on the night we decide to assassinate every single guy that ever broke our hearts or screwed us over? Who’s going to read me Dorothy Parker’s poetry?”

I feel abandoned somewhat. I know it’s a silly thing to think because nothing really changed in terms of the way she treats me. There are times, however, when I can’t help but feel like a helpless duckling in the rain. Perhaps it’s because the last six months felt as though I was in a relationship with her, in the sense that I let myself become emotionally dependent and used to her being there for me 24/7. We cried over boys together, angsted about life-after-college together, and kept each other sane. Hell, we even say “I love you” before signing off YM every evening.

Ever since she got together with her boyfriend though, it feels as though we just broke up and we’re in that awkward stage where we’re trying to “be just friends”. And trust me, it’s very awkward. These days I can’t even look at her and her boyfriend because they’re so sweet around each other, merely glancing at them could potentially give me diabetes. Me no want diabeetus.

I’m being incredibly irrational, of course, so I’ll chalk this up to the initial panic that comes with change. Of course she’s not abandoning me. I know her and she’s not the type to leave her friends and the band to go chasing after love. Still….things just aren’t the same anymore, you know? I know that boyfriend or no, she’ll always be there for me. We work in the same place, for Christ’s sakes, so there’s really no escaping my frantic requests for a cigarette break. Still, I can’t shake off the feeling that I lost something I can’t quite name.

I hope I didn’t come across sounding like a bitter ex-girlfriend because I’m not. Abandonment issues aside, I’m rooting for them all the way because I can see that what they have is a really good thing. I’ve never seen her so happy before.

P.S. – Five years later they are still together, but I can no longer play a lick of guitar.

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