MussoLOLen is Always Right! |

Dear High School Boys Who Ruined Our L4D Campaign,

I’m sure you guys haven’t had much experience playing anything else but Counterstrike and DoTA, but you don’t have to be a video game geek in order to succeed at an L4D campaign. All you need, really, is to be a little bit smart, alert, and LEARN TO PLAY WITH YOUR FUCKING TEAM. I’m no expert, but here’s a couple of pointers so that you might actually win a campaign without pissing off your teammates in the future.

1) L4D does not fucking play like Counterstrike. Sure, they may have the same controls, but don’t bring in whatever tactics you learned from Countestrike cos that won’t make you survive the zombie apocalypse. You running amuck behaving like alpha male assholes sure as fucking hell didn’t help us win the campaign, did it?

2) You don’t just run out in the middle of open space and start shooting the fuck out of the zombies. If you’re going to attract a horde, at least be prepared to deal with them by staying on higher ground, or equipping yourself with pipe bombs.

3) Speaking of pipe bombs, don’t fucking throw them when there aren’t any zombies in sight. Sayang eh. Also, basic common sense.

4) When you see your teammate getting attacked by a Tank, Smoker, or Hunter, fucking run to their aid and shoot at the Tank, Smoker, or Hunter.

5) When you see that your teammate has fallen because you failed to save said teammate from the Tank, Smoker, Hunter, or zombie horde, don’t be an ass and run the other way. HIT E TO REVIVE YOUR TEAMMATE.

6) The right-click button? It’s the command for swiping at zombies with your arm. Very useful for when you want to keep them from climbing up to where you are.

7) Don’t get in the fucking way of my line of fire. When you see the gun pointed one way, it might be a good idea to pass *behind* the person pointing the gun. That way, you won’t get shot at, zombies will die, and everyone will be happy.

DON’T FUCKING SHOOT YOUR TEAMMATES JUST SO YOUR HEALTH BAR AND KILL RATIO WILL BE HIGHER THAN EVERYONE ELSE’S, ASSHOLE.

9) If you don’t know how to play the game, DON’T FUCKING JOIN SOMEONE ELSE’S ONLY TO BEHAVE LIKE AN ASSHOLE AND RUIN THEIR EVENING.

I would have had a killer score in that campaign because I shot at so many Hunters and Smokers. If you had only assisted me when the Tank attacked, we all would have gotten rescued. Instead, you went off your merry ways throwing pipe bombs when there weren’t any zombies around, and hurling yourselves right in the middle of the zombie horde. I really wanted to fucking win that campaign, and we were so fucking close. I hope you never get laid until you graduate from college. And when you do get laid, I hope you get herpes.

Sincerely,
Lauren