MussoLOLen is Always Right! |

SAN FRANCISCO–The violent, two-week long conflict between the Philippines and Korea finally came to a close on Sunday evening when Korea extended a small plastic bottle of shochu to the Philippines as a gesture of peace.

The peace negotiations that took place were not so much negotiations as a lot of drinking because both parties were too tipsy and too awkward about the whole situation to discuss what happened and apologize for atrocities committed by both sides.

“This I will say about the peace talks,” says Head of the Philippine War Committee Mussololen Gago. “The shochu was excellent.”

Philippine War Committee Head Mussololen Gago confers with diplomats through long-distance phone calls. Photo courtesy of Reuters.

Witness to the ceasefire was the peacemaking group from Italy, who partook in the drinking of shochu and was very much relieved to hear the two countries have finally stopped firing missiles at each other.

“I was getting very tired, and the whole thing was becoming very ridiculous,” was all the peacemaking group could say about the entire event.

Over the course of the two-week war, Korea has been attempting to reconcile damaged relations with the Philippines through offerings of home-cooked dinners, which the Philippines looked on with suspicion.

“It was very suspicious,” says Gago. “Why would anyone who dispossesed me of my room and board want to make me dinner? Wouldn’t you think the food was poisoned too?”

When asked about why the Philippines finally relented to the peace talks over shochu, Gago shrugged and replied, “It was a long day. I was exhausted, I couldn’t find my cellphones, and I wanted a drink. And I have to admit… for all her faults, Korea makes amazing food. Yes, I did have some of the dinner she made for me.”

“Don’t get me wrong though,” Gago adds quickly. “I’m still pretty sore at Korea and the Italian peacemaking group. Every now and then, I might remember the events that happened, get fired up all over again, and send a missile or two their way. But it’s not really healthy to carry all this anger around, you know? I just want to relax and have fun and not hate people for once. I think everyone else wants that too.”

The Philippine-Korean War is a territorial dispute that began on October 14, 2008 when the Philippines received word that Korea expressed the subtle wish that the Philippines be removed from the Clement Street apartment promised to them by Italy during their brief stay in San Francisco. The Philippines has been aggressively showering Korea with bombs since then.

“Although to be perfectly honest, I think this might have been more a Philippine-Italian War than a Philippine-Korean war,” admits Gago. “All the violence was directed at Italy because he refused to be 100% on my side. That really pissed me off. Also, I’m passive-aggressive. I hate direct confrontations. And you can’t really inflict any serious passive-aggressive damage when your target isn’t within passive-aggressive, damage-inflicting range, you know?”

With reports from other reputable news agencies.