laurganism.com |

Dear Mr. Warren Gross,

Early this year, my aunt in northern California woke up to several boxes from Amazon.com sitting on her doorstep. When she opened them to see what was inside, she found out that they were presents from you to me from my Amazon wishlist.

Listed below are the said presents, along with their sales receipt which you probably kept there to show off how expensive each item is and how I, a poor Filipina could NEVER EVER afford any of them while you, a rich white American man can.

Deviant-206, 2 Zipper Calf Sneaker Boot - $34
Tales of the Cthulhu Mythos - $10.17
Fables vol 7 Arabian Nights and Days - $10.19
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind: The Shooting Script. - $12.89
Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love - $11.35
The Adventures of Tintin in the Land of the Soviets (adventures of Tintin) - $24.95
Foxfire DVD - $9.95
Either/Or Audio CD - $11.97
Live Through This Hole Audio CD - $12.99
Rabbit Fur Coat Audio CD - $13.98

I don’t know what intentions you have for sending me these presents, but whatever they are they can’t be particularly good. Anyone who adds me up in all my social networks, adds up my female friends in all their social networks, harasses me with unwanted presents, harasses me with unwanted e-mails announcing your arrival in the Philippines (as if I would actually want to meet you - please, I have taste), and harasses my mom with phone calls and text messages asking where I am and requesting her to look for a bachelor pad in the Philippines IS A CREEPY MOTHERFUCKER POSSIBLE CHILD RAPIST DEFINITELY A SERIAL KILLER AT SOME POINT IN HIS PATHETIC LIFE WHOM I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IN THE INTERNET OR THE REAL WORLD. ESPECIALLY THE REAL WORLD.

So thank you for the stuff you sent me, now I have presents to give to my friends for their upcoming birthdays and Christmas! Because that’s where all these things - and any other future presents you might want to send to me - will end up. And once I’ve exhausted my friends list, the rest will be donated to the Quezon City Public Library.

Now leave me the fuck alone.

Sincerely,
Lauren