MussoLOLen is Always Right! |

I’m no stranger to strange coincidences but I got curveballed by one of the strangest coincidences early this week. While I was on my way out the office for a cigarette break Monday morning, Kristel ran into me with arms wide flailing.

“Lauren! Your Asshole Ex’s current girlfriend is right outside the office!”

I was still reeling from the what-the-fuckness of her statement when I found myself getting ushered out the door to greet the Current Girlfriend. Since I didn’t have enough time to prepare myself, I think I walked out with a smile that was a lot wider than I’d like. Somehow, we (the Current Girlfriend, the Ex-Girlfriend, and Kristel, who technically is also the Current Girlfriend’s Ex-Girlfriend – but that’s a twisted story for another time) ended up having a cigarette break together. In a tone that I hope didn’t sound like I was in any way threatened, ruffled, or shocked that she of all people was waiting outside the office door, I asked the Current Girlfriend what she was doing here. The Current Girlfriend then told me that she a) graduated this month, b) needs a job ASAP, c) is applying for a writing position at our company.

Gee, what are the chances of that?

A few hours later, my Project Manager walked into my cubicle and asked me to give a character reference for the Current Girlfriend, seeing as we graduated from the same university. “You can’t be serious!” I sputtered. Unfortunately, he was. See, his asking me to give a character reference for an applicant means that the applicant is a candidate for our team. In the cubicle to my right, I heard Kristel laughing hysterically.

Now, any other Ex-Girlfriend who were in my position would have automatically slandered the Current Girlfriend’s character. But me, I’m nice and I’m fair. So I give her a glowing, non-bullshit recommendation because her horrible taste in men doesn’t change the fact that she’s still a good writer and a friend.

The next day, my Project Manager informed me that the Current Girlfriend is to be our new teammate.

The average Ex-Girlfriend would have defenestrated herself from the fifth floor upon finding out that she’ll be working in the same team with the current girl of a former love. I’m no average Ex-Girlfriend though. I really am cool with the Current Girlfriend and I have absolutely no issues with her. I just want to kill her boyfriend, that’s all.

(Well okay, that and I find it kind of creepy that she has now acquired his mannerisms and speech patterns. It’s like watching a female version of the ex, minus the condescension and the arrogance. Funny how the dead come back to life in perverse reincarnations.)

The thing is, my break-up with the Asshole Ex was quite amicable. We managed to stay really good friends for several weeks and I do feel a bit sorry that our friendship has been replaced by this unsnuffable hatred I have for him. You see, he was ten times nicer to me when we were friends than he ever was while he was my boyfriend. Unfortunately, assholes will always be assholes, and he did a very asshole thing that made me realize two things:

a) my ex is full of shit
b) up until the moment I broke up with him, I spent the last two and a half years of my life allowing him to manipulate me and take over my life

Believe it or not, I’m a very forgiving person. I’m told that I can be frightening when I’m angry, but it doesn’t take me long to get over my anger and forgive the bastard who pissed me off. Some people, unfortunately, do things that I simply can’t forgive. These people are usually sent off to what I call the Realm of Indifference, a place in my selective memory where they’re never given a second thought, except for when I tell stories about the WTF things they did to me. The Asshole Ex, however, is an entirely different case. It’s been a year since I dumped everything he ever gave me in front of his house (with his posse watching the drama unfold because I interrupted their group jerk-off session when I called him to say that I was coming over NOW and you better come out and get your fucking stuff). Until today, the mere mention of his name is enough to make my blood boil.

I hate that I care enough about him to hate him this much.

What’s going to make this whole work situation very awkward for me is this. Assuming that my ex is still the same person, it’s likely that he will stay within the area to wait for the Current Girlfriend to get out from work. I haven’t seen nor spoken to him since the drama outside his house, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I run into him unexpectedly. So far, my options are to:

a) get creative with my shoelaces
b) hurl a torrent of verbal abuse at him
c) punch him with my killer deadly girly punch
d) push him into the swimming pool and watch him flail because he can’t swim

I have a feeling that the only way my ex can move on to the Realm of Indifference is if I ever tell him to his face that I hate his fucking guts and that while I don’t regret our relationship, I do regret not breaking up with him sooner. Unfortunately, my ex is an asshole and I bet if I tried to sit him down and talk to him about this, he’d probably walk away mid-sentence. Or raise an eyebrow in the middle of my speech and ask me if I’m done yet. If he even chooses to see me. My ex is big on cutting ties with his past and pretending that his previous girlfriends never existed. Too bad for him that this particular ex-girlfriend is making noise on the intarwebz and will be working with his girlfriend soon.

Chances are, if I do ever get around to talking to him, I’ll just freeze up the way I always do in confrontations and never get to say a fucking word. Then he’ll walk away laughing and tell his friends that his ex-girlfriend is a total psycho. Not that they don’t already think that.

My life sucks.