MussoLOLen is Always Right! |

For days after you wrote a certain blog entry about a certain Pearl Boy dating experience, a certain Pearl Boy has been trying his damned hardest to meet you over dinner or coffee. You’re surprised by this because you kind of expected him to never want to see you again after reading what you wrote. Then again, he probably wants some sort of closure with you, and you believe in being fair and nice (even when you think you’ve already used up all your niceness reserves). Ignoring your parents’ threats to chain you up in your room until your corpse is covered in cobwebs, you agree to meet him for a quick dinner and coffee on a Sunday evening. Might as well get this over with, yeah?

Because you’re sooo heartbroken, liek srsly

As the two of you make your way to the restaurant, he asks you if you notice anything about him. “Umm…you didn’t put hair wax?” you say. He shakes his head and points to his shirt, which was blue and has a cartoon drawing of a boy with glasses and the caption “NERDS GET GIRLS” right below it. You feel the urge to walk far far away from him and yell, “See this 10-foot distance between us? Can we maintain this until we get to Fazoli’s? Also, can we just sit at different tables and communicate via ESPN?” The last thing you want to be is the walking proof right next to his t-shirt. You are the one chick he is not going to get. He must have seen the WTF? expression on your face because he asks if you find his shirt funny. You pointedly tell him that it’s funny in the same way t-shirts that say “Sex Instructor for Hire” are funny ironic.

Um, no they don’t

At dinner (where he eats and you watch him eat because you feel as skinny as a ballooning condom), you wait for him to bring up the reason as to why he dragged you all the way out here on a Sunday night. You already have a vague idea of what he’s going to say, so you try to broach the subject. He says he wants to chill and have a “normal” conversation with you for now (”normal” meaning no heavy topics). Unfortunately, it was kind of hard for you to relax all throughout dinner; you’re the type who can’t have fun unless you get the heavy stuff out of the way. You also grow increasingly irritated that he sees you as some sort of venue to relax after a long week at work. What am I, you think, a geisha? Since when was it my job to provide entertainment and witty conversation? As dinner goes on you become even more annoyed because you can’t even hold his attention 100%. A girl in a scandalously short skirt and tall boots passes by and he becomes visibly distracted. You fail at entertaining guys. Or rather, nerds. Because nerds get chicks. Perhaps you should have worn shorter shorts.

If you wear this, does he will pay more attenshuns to you?

After what seems like an eternity, he’s finally done with dinner and the two of you head over to a coffee shop so you can get down to business. You’re a relieved that you haven’t run into anyone either of you know, but that’s about to change. After buying coffee, he spots a former college bandmate and goes over to say hi. Introductions are made, and you put your showbiz face on when the College Friend reads the Pearl Boy’s shirt out loud and gives you a knowing glance. Ground, you think, this is your cue to open up and swallow me whole! No? Kk.

Finally, you grab a seat outside a coffee shop and get to the part why he dragged you all the way out here for dinner in the first place. He tells you that he saw what you wrote in your blog about him (whoops!) he didn’t like that he came off looking like the bad guy. If you have any issues with him, now’s the time to bring it up instead of him finding out about it somewhere else. You fight the urge to laugh, because this isn’t the first time someone IRL found out that you wrote about him/her in an unfavorable light. For a moment there, you feel like a douche. But only for a moment. You almost apologize but you choose to shrug and say, “Bzuh?” In hindsight, you realize you should have said something like, “Well of course you seemed like a bad person in my blog! That’s how I perceive you, therefore that’s how I will write about you! Not that you’re a bad person, really. Just some douche who bruised the shit out of my ego. Seriously, you should feel a tiny bit flattered that I actually wrote something about you. That’s a whole lot more than the other guys I’ve dated got.” Unfortunately, your ability to deliver clever comebacks fails you at crucial moments. This is why you don’t want to become a lawyer.

You pretty much just parrot whatever it is you wrote in your blog entry, and once you’re done with your word vomit, he systematically tears your statements apart into two manageable chunks. Chunk A being your depression and his views on it, Chunk B being his response to every single time you declared, “I know you don’t like me because I’m so not your type.” Chunk A took about half an hour to discuss and by the time it’s settled, your dad starts texting you to go home NOW. I knew it, you think. I knew we wouldn’t have enough time to talk. Why didn’t you stop being a courtesan and bring up the heavy stuff over dinner again? Oh yeah, because underneath all that bravado you’re really pushover nice. Gotcha.

Misunderstandings in a car crash

The two of you talk about Chunk B during the drive back home, and this is when things turn really heavy. He tells you that every time he sees you, he feels pressured to give you some sort of an answer. Just because you were stupid enough to declare that you were in love with him during the second week, doesn’t mean he’s obligated to reciprocate. What was important to him was that he get to know you first and develop a relationship. You, however, seemed to be in such a goddamn hurry to get into a relationship. Or so he says. And that it was so sad that you had to view things this way.

As his voice rises and the tension thickens, you can feel yourself shrinking until you’re twenty sizes too small for your clothes. You want to explain that all you wanted to know from him was if this was getting somewhere! You don’t know how long it takes for the average person to realize they like the person they’re dating, but that’s not such a hard thing to figure out, is it? It’s not a multiple choice question, for fuck’s sake! You’re the type who can make up your mind about whether you like someone or not upon the first conversation. But then again, you’re kind of a weirdo so maybe you’re the only person in the planet who thinks that way.

Oh noez! Life’s unbearablez!

By the time you reach the last few blocks to your house, you are almost in tears. All those weekends you reserved for him, all those mornings you crept up to your room at 5 am only for your mother to yell at you for coming home so late, all those evenings you said no to your friends just to see him – you gave up so much of your time for a guy who can’t even decide if you’re likeable or not. Whatta pushover you are. As you climb the stairs to your room, you kick yourself in the ass with your spare limbs for yet another loss in the game called The Modern Dating World. Though oddly enough, the only loss you really feel is all that time you could’ve spent with friend or dating other guys. If you had other guys.

You contemplate slashing your wrists, or perhaps gathering your emo band together for a late-night jam session. Instead, you turn on your PC and click on the wp-admin of your blog. Then you type the words, “For days after you wrote a certain blog entry about a certain Pearl Boy dating experience, a certain Pearl Boy has been trying his damned hardest to meet you over dinner or coffee.” He’s probably going to hate you forever once he reads this, but you don’t really give a damn anymore. You feel much much better already.