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One of my coworkers sent me a video of a question and answer portion in a Bb. Pilipinas competition. It got me LOLlercoastering for a good five minutes.

Then it got me thinking. How could anyone consider someone like her fit to represent the Philippines and Filipino women in general? Granted, you don’t watch beauty pagaents for an accurate representation of cultures from around the world. So what do you do when you come across something unfamiliar - like the “Filipina” for instance - and want instantaneous information about it? You look it up on the intarnets, of course! The intarnets has the answer to everything. Unfortunately, if you type in the word “Filipina” on Google, the first few websites that come out are catalogs of single Filipina women looking for husbands. Which is not to say that placing an advertisement for yourself on the Internet makes you any less Filipina. Whatever floats your boat. But just because this is the route a lot of our female compatriots choose to take, it doesn’t mean that all of us Filipinas are mail-order-bride wannabes on the prowl for a rich white husband who will swaddle us in designer clothes and provide us with a green card, half-white kids who’ll grow up to be models and celebrities back in the motherland, and a house in the suburbs.

Hohobags behaved

So as my contribution to my mom’s campaign to reshape the sexy Filipina image on the Internet, I will talk about a group of Filipino women who don’t quite fit the Maria Clara image our society oh-so-values, but who aren’t “wild”, promiscuous girls either. They are called The Hohobags and I am writing about them because I couldn’t think of anything remotely intelligent to say about this topic so I’ve resorted to whoring my friends to the intarnets they are the group of girl friends every chick should have, except the Hohobags are much more awesomer. I can’t remember who coined the word “hohobag” and where it originated from, but I do know that we started using the term around March when we were shopping for graduation dresses in the shade of “hohobag red”. I suck at writing definitions but I shall do my best to explain to you the concept of a “hohobag”.

What is a Hohobag?

A “hohobag” (noun) is a smart, educated, articulate woman who is aware of her beauty but at the same time, doesn’t take her femininity and sexuality too seriously. She might look like a conventional girl but her notion of fun is a little strange and sometimes involves a camera, an open field, and fellow hohobags who are game enough to film a pseudo-sex scandal. Hohobag Nights are spent making parodies of themselves and other women (with or without alcohol, always with cigarettes). An evening’s repertoire may include invitations to go to “Bora and Ponni like now na, but let’s stop by Boni to buy ‘kinis and ‘haves”, deep-throat contests using beer bottles and bread sticks, rawrrring at and pseudo-molesting all the cute guys within an arm’s reach, reenactments of Woody Allen’s writings, and vulgar conversations about sex and cavernous vaginas.

Let’s go to BORAAAAAA!

Other usages/variations:
1) The term “hohobag” can also be used as a verb and adjective. To hohobag someone is to engage in harmless yet shameless flirtatious behavior. Reports of said flirtation are usually greeted with a high five and a, “You hohobag!” or “Whatta hohobag (you are)!” (adjective)
2) The word hohoman is a derived from hohobag and refers to a mad man-flirt or a really horny bastard. Used in a sentence: “Whatta hohoman!” complete with finger-waving not unlike the way African-American females from the less privileged parts of town wave their fingers at someone.
3) A hohofag is a gay hohobag. Right now we have one. My attempts to turn him straight during my 21st birthday party made him even gayer than ever, which kind of says a lot about my social skills with the opposite sex.

The “boob grab” is a sign of affection commonly used among the Hohobags

Just because they greet each other by grabbing their boobs, enjoy holding crass discussions about the interesting things you can do with drumsticks, and debates on whether or not blowjobs involve literally blowing on the penis, doesn’t make the Hohobags “easy girls”. They only talk that way because they’re confident and comfortable enough about their sexuality to do so. Besides, it’s more fun to talk about sex when they use crass language, and the awkward looks that cross the faces of their guy friends/boyfriend are hilarious. Ironically, their sexuality is something they rarely use despite the fact that they talk about sex like they’ve seen it and done it all. The Hohobags, in fact, have the worst luck with men. Perhaps a strange rumor going around in college that says they’re a group of man-hating lesbians had something to do with it. In spite of their looks and intelligence, the Hohobags have spent many an afternoon at Starbucks, crying over some douche who was too stupid to appreciate this wonderful girl with amazing legs and the emotions she so proudly put on a platter before him. But they don’t get upset for too long because nobody can bitchslap a girl back to reality better than a Hohobag can. Besides, they’ve got a Plan B. At the age of 26, they intend to move to New York and live in an apartment at Village with a hot, bearded bohemian guy who shall paint nude portraits of them. Or migrate to a European country that legalizes lesbian marriages if they haven’t found their respective Hohomen by then.

Still gorgeous 10 years later

The Hohobags have big dreams and are currently slaving away at school or the corporate world for those dreams to come true. Ten years from now they are going to be doctors, writers, researchers, musicians, poets, IT specialists, wives, and mothers because they are women who have the balls to get what they want out of life. All the douchebags at work, the friends-turned-almost-rapists, and the rude frat boys at failed gigs aren’t going to stop them from being successful and gorgeous. The Hohobags are damn sexy Filipinas who are going to take over the world in between fits of feminine tantrums. But it takes a certain quirkiness, confidence, imagination, and a few screws loose in the head for a girl to earn the title of Hohobag.

Shameless plug: I’ve started writing for the Read or Die blog. Read it! Or die!