Ambivalence
Posted by Lauren | Under Womanhood with 720 views Sunday Jun 17, 2007I just realized that I haven’t updated my blog all week. O_O Too many non-bloggable things have been happening at work and in my personal life, and I’ve been around long enough to know that talking about this stuff on a public blog can only fan the flames of the drama and the wankage. So let’s just say that I’ve been spending the past couple of days getting harshly bitchslaped into the loving arms of the real world. It hasn’t been very pleasant and I’m real thankful that I have sweet friends who gave me endless supplies of beer, crack, and the contact numbers of their hitmen throughout all this.
The feeling that I couldn’t quite shake off all week is this strange ambivalence I feel about my gender and the opposite sex. I keep getting this weird urge to take a sharp knife to my breasts and chop them off. Breasts are the most obvious and visible symbol of my sexuality and there are times when I really can’t stand them. It wasn’t until now that I became very aware of the fact that things are going to be even more difficult in the real world just because I’m a woman in a society of men raised to be macho assholes.
At times like these I can’t help but wish I were born a guy. Which is a stupid thing to wish for really, but come on. If I were a guy I could have my cake and eat it too. My dad wouldn’t have to stay up late on Friday and Saturday evenings just to make sure that I arrive home safely. If somebody messed with me, I could easily solve the problem with my fists, like a real troglodyte. I really envy the freedom men have and the convenient position they have in society. See, no matter how conservatively a woman dresses or how carefully she acts around men so that they don’t get the wrong idea, she’ll still end up being fresh meat, the inspiration for lucid sexual fantasies, a trophy that needs to be won by the best alpha-male.
The thing is, I’m not about to go all radical feminist on everyone and start hating men. Gender equality will never happen, just as eradicating poverty will never happen. And I’m not about to stop shaving my legs and start wearing shapeless t-shirts to hide my sexuality. Much as I hate it at times, I’m a woman goddamnit. Shaving my legs is a form of therapy and I wear clothes that flatter my figure just because I like knowing that I’m pretty. All that crap I keep getting from guys is not going stop me from being who I am.
Maybe it’s just me being idealistic and all that, but I’m surprised that some of the comments I received in my previous post were less than encouraging. I’ve spoken to and dated more assholes and womanizers than I can count but despite all the stories I’ve heard, I’m still weirdly optimistic that not all guys out there are total dickwads. Just you wait, I’ll find the ideal guy someday!
I haven’t started dating yet, so luckily I haven’t encountered the assholes and womanizers that you speak of, but I’m sure that it’s only a matter of time.
Despite it all, you still ended your post with something hopeful.
how about a line from Ironic
…meeting the man of your dreams
then meeting his beautiful wife
I don’t know the exact ratios, but for every x number of jerk-males out there, there must be at least one guy who would never lay an abusive hand upon you — and who would smash the face of anyone who tried to hurt you; who, if it were in his power, would promote you corporately as high as your competence entitled you to go; and who would keep his appreciation of your physical beauty in the proper box.
It is awful to realize that your “ambivalent” feelings are probably common to lots of women.
In my ideal world, every woman would go where she wanted and do what she wanted in complete safety, without oppression, condescension or terrorization.
She would be 100 percent proud of her Femininity and everything that had to do with it and never entertain the wistful wish for the privileges and luxuries of being a male, because the glories, privileges and luxuries of being Female would far outstrip their counterpart.