The Bell Jar
Posted by Lauren | Under Books, Personal Neuroticisms with 1,795 views Saturday Feb 3, 2007
The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath is the most apt and the most dangerous book for me at this point in my life. I first read it when I was fourteen and pseudo-depressed; therefore I couldn’t appreciate it very much but I thought it’d be a clever present to give to my first boyfriend anyway. Now that I’m twenty and my teenage angst has metamorphosed into existential angst, this book is hitting me where it really hurts.
“Of course, you have another year of college left,” Jay Cee went on a little more mildly. “What do you have in mind ater you graduate?”
What I always thought I had in mind was getting some big scholarship to graduate school or a grant to study all over Europe, and then I thought I’d be a professor and write books of poems or write books of poems and be an editor of some sort. Usually I had these plans on the tip of my tongue.
“I don’t really know,” I heard myself say. I felt a deep shock, hearing myself say that, because the minute I said it, I knew it was true.
It sounded true, and I recognized it, the way you recognize some nondescript person that’s been hanging around your door for ages and then suddenly comes up and introduces himself as your real father and looks exactly like you, so you know he really is your father, and the person you thought all your life was your father is a sham.
“I don’t really know.”
There’s a lot of other things in The Bell Jar that echoes my sentiments and outlook of life at the moment, but that particular scene damn near made me jump up and scream, “THAT’S ME! THAT’S ME!” At first I entertained the thought of being a high school teacher, but do I seriously have the patience to deal with teenage girls and be some sort of wholesome role model for them? I think not. I HATE HATE HATE doing research so even if my major is geared towards that, I would really loathe having to do research for a living. I can write, I suppose, but bleh. There’s absolutely nothing I can picture myself doing for money! Except maybe the band, but I’m not betting on that to get me rich. So career-wise, I’m drawing a blank here.
My brain can’t take any more academic torture, but the thought of graduating and having to join the working class is bothering more than I’d like. It feels like from that point on, I’ll no longer be able to do what I want because I’m too busy doing things that I should so that I can get enough money to someday do what I want. I don’t even know what kind of thing it is that I should do so that I can have the resources to do what I want. If I can ever get around to doing what I should (i.e. graduate from college and get employed, ugh ugh). I hate that these days, it’s the people who sacrifice their own happiness and dreams in order to attain society’s definition of success that are most admired. But enough of these thoughts.
as someone who works with hundreds of students who are facing the very same dilemma, two things come to mind: your sanity depends on your clarity and it’s perfectly fine to not know what to do in the meanwhile.
you may not find either of them mollifying, and I apologize…find your mentor, if you have one. they’ll know you better than you know yourself. good luck ;-)
I hate that these days, it’s the people who sacrifice their own happiness and dreams in order to attain society’s definition of success that are most admired.
I hate that too. Why can’t we be just be successful and happy? I know some people who complain about their jobs and they can’t do anything about it because it pays their bills. But I always thought that if you really want to be happy and content with life, do what you really want to do. If it’s hard or it doesn’t give you much, then just work harder… Manage on what you get because, you’ll certainly get what you deserve. I think I’m not clear on my point, but I hope you get me. :) I think when I become part of the working class, I’ll become a workaholic yet I’ll always give time for the things I want to do. Like continue playing with my band… I don’t want to get old thinking that all I did was work my ass off just for the money. Enjoy life to the fullest, right? :)
Sorry if I didn’t make much sense.
Well, if you ever make it over to the US, you could do what I’m doing right now and make money of your web coding skills. $28 dollars an hour for 24 hours a week, and now I’ve got time and money to once again pursue an acting career. You’re the first blogger in the Philippines, that’s got to be able to translate into money somehow.
I read that book when I was, hmmm 16 I think… and revisited it again at age 22. Yup, put on some depressing songs, repeat readings of that book and Prozac Nation… and you’ve got a surefire recipe for suicidal thoughts.
Anyway, I can relate to what you’re feeling… but in a slightly different way. Whereas, I believe you’re thinking mostly about your future happiness, the tough decisions you need to make… I was saddled with obligations and the need to make OTHERS happy. My father got very sick and I had to drop out of university Architecture program to support my family.
I never went back (life and priorities changed)… I eventually graduated in something else… working and going to school at night at the same time. I’m happy enough with what I do now, I make good money… but money is of course, not the best predictor of happiness.
I hope you never had to go through with what I went through.
interestingly, i have been reading sylvia plath’s collected poems and i feel like it’s one of those books that either move you or leave you cold. some of the poems really spoke to me, because she has a total way with words and others, just really TH (you know, trying hard)…
This hits me at the moment, though there’s a big difference in our ages. Am about to finish my PhD and I am at loss as to what to do. Should I pursue a postdoc, then a postdoc, then a postdoc? It seems so cut and dried. I am still looking at options and have to decide soon…