The true condition of my mental state
Posted by Lauren | Under Personal Neuroticisms with 33 views Thursday Dec 28, 2006(Excerpt from a diary I don’t own. I’m very thrilled with my Christmas haul but I’m surprised that nobody thought of giving me a notebook. A small, 32-peso one would’ve done the trick. I’m a cheap date.)
My mood swings frighten me and I can’t blame it on PMS anymore. Last night I was sobbing uncontrollably, plauged by the pointlessness of waking up to another day of struggling with academics and an entire lifetime of struggling to make a name for myself in a capitalistic world, only to fall victim to clever marketing schemes and the illusion of the good life as shown in pristine real estate advertisements. It’s the complete opposite of where I am right now. Tonight I’m as zen as a Tibetan ascetic, a smart little motherfucker having multiple intellectugal orgasms with Foucault in below-zero degrees Starbucks weather. Perhaps a visit to the shrink is in order because I’m probably bipolar or something; the mood swings happen more frequently these days, with more intensity than ever.
Complete happiness is not what I want because I know it’s not possible for me to be happy all the time. To quote Veronica Sawyer in the movie Heathers, “If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn’t be a human being. You’d be a game-show host.” What I often wish is to be either consisently okay or consistently miserable. Unfortunately, the only consistent thing with me is that I’m inconsistently flailing between seriously-almost-suicidal and so-fucking-giddy-I-could-hug-a-total-stranger (I hate touching/being touched by strangers). I pity the poor soul who will eventually end up in a relationship with me; I wouldn’t be able to handle me at all.
In other news, my tongue-piercing experience got chosen to be a recommended read in the BMEzine website. Yay! My secret goal is to be featured in ModBlog because most of the girls there are unbelievably gorgeous. I have my doubts though because my piercings aren’t particularly exciting and I don’t have any tattoos yet. Perhaps someday.
I think you can be featured.
Hi, just bloghopping and saw your post. I really dont have piercings but I have a saucer sized tattoo on my back. I got it when I was around your age and loved it so much, I would wear gauzy shirts and tanks even during winter. I even contemplated about getting more but just did not get around it. Eight years later here I am. Im not even a drop excited about it anymore.
To me getting tattoos was just a phase. That long ago had passed.
I hated and regretted it now especially during my wedding early this year. The dress I wore, how it got concealed was really a big issue.
Oh really? That sucks. :\ I’ve always wanted a tattoo since high school and the design I have in mind (very large black wings on my back) is something I doubt I’ll ever tire of. I’m still sitting on the idea though, until I find an artist I can trust.
Wait until you are older to get a tat. If I got one when I wanted, I would have been stuck with some shitty barb wire, tribal, looney toons crap. I’m glad I waited until I was “mature”.